Losing It

This week has handed me some very upsetting cards. This week at my internship I had to leave early because I started to feel unwell. I figured I was just sick and thought nothing more of it than “I just need to get some rest.” This unwell feeling has persisted and still sits in me. For the past couple weeks, my grandmother had been fighting with the effects of a stroke. This weekend she passed away, just days after one of my dogs had been put down. To put it lightly, it has not been a good week.

On top of these events, I’ve had to do as much work for my internship as I could. I have had to stay on top of my five classes worth of school work. I’ve had to say goodbye to my boyfriend twice as he lives a couple hours away and can only visit for short periods of time. I’ve had to appear strong because I don’t tend to share so much information. I’ve had to be happy because that’s what I need to be for so many other people.

I’ve been losing it in a world that expects us to find our way through everything. What amazes me is that my anxiety has not spiked and I have not had a panic attack…

Here’s the good news (because you should always start with the bad). In some rush of adrenaline that must be going through my body, I am prepared to fight tooth and nail for my humanity. Greif is normal. Sadness is normal. Mental health is real. Physical health is real. People need sleep. People need time to heal. I am human. What so many people fail to realize is that, well, we are all human. We can choose to keep the bad things that happen in our lives to ourselves, but that only keeps everyone else in the dark.

Here I am laying my heart out saying that I am hurting and I need time to heal. I am visiting family this weekend to be close to those also hurting and to support each other. I am doing as much work as I can without overwhelming my already shocked, tired brain. I am trying. While I may be losing it, that means I am also finding it. I am searching for stability and hope. I will find my way back to a world where I am not mourning, but for now, I must.

I do not ask for pity or apologies because it is no one’s fault but this world’s and there is nothing to feel bad for but the cycle of life. In a world of go-go-go full of people who may never understand, I feel no need to explain myself. I will continue to tell my professors that I have had a family emergency because they do not need details. I will not feel bad for needing time to breathe. I will not let my mental and physical health fall second to the work others ask of me. I do my best and work my hardest when I am well. All I ask is that others give me space when I am not. In this time of loss, I will use it to find peace. Work can wait, life does not.

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